Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
