just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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