I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
