I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
