I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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