I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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