I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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