he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
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Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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