just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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