But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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