6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
