so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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