whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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