Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
