I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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