Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
