If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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