What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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