I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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