if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
