the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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