he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
