happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
