You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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