sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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