She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm at about main and main street
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
