Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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