sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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