Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
