apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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