your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
