Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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