I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
