Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
