hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
