im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
