dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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