For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
