You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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