Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
