so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
