In America we eat man semen.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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