So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
