I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
