i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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