I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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