I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
being pregnant is like rehab
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
