I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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