My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
