Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
