I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
