I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's the barista slut.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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