theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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