I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
